Why I Read

My resolution last year was to read less. Looking back at my 10-year-old Excel sheet which contains the books I have read, I did quite well with under 40 books. Compared to the previous outcome of around 100 books, reading under 40 books was quite good.

Why am I so obsessed with reading?

Reading and writing have always been my favorite activities, though. My obsession goes back to 2014. That year, my 10-year-old booklist Excel sheet was born, and the ship sank into the sea.

I was shocked by the man-made disaster and felt guilty for my irresponsibility to the society where I live. I was determined to read as much as possible and share it with the people around me.

Back then, I was extremely busy with my work, however, I made a couple of book clubs with my colleagues during lunchtime, grabbing a sandwich or on weekends, inviting friends to my house.

I really wanted to do something meaningful (so as) not to be shameful to the young students. I no longer want to be an irresponsible adult in front of them. I engraved the message by Margaret Mead and Howard Zinn in my mind.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has. (Margaret Mead)

We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. (Howard Zinn)

But once again, it happened on the last Halloween day in Itaewon. Just like the previous man-made disaster, there was no one willing to take responsibility for it.

I felt so ashamed and still feel guilty for the young dead and the parents who had to bow down on a deadly freezing day.

What should I do in a vulnerable situation when I feel that I have no power to change and I can’t hold onto hope for the future?

One thing is clear, no one tells me which is the right way to do. Almost everything seems at odds with one another. The more I read, the more I realize how ignorant we are.

Do I have to stop reading to be satisfied with myself?

I am often frightened when it comes to my mind. What if I couldn’t read all the books on my physical and online shelves before I die? It might be impossible to read them all before I die. Although I have to acknowledge and accept this, it makes me feel in a hurry.

Anyway, despite all this, I couldn’t stop reading. But I am not that kind of person, saying,

“If you read 1000 books, you can be a millionaire.”

“You should read Bill Gates’ booklist to be successful.”

In fact, reading has less to do with being successful, and I believe that the purpose of reading should not be that.

Then, why we read?

First of all, we read to know.

To know how it works,

To know about invisible worlds,

To know someone else’s mind, etc.

To be precise, we read to understand.

Because our world is limited by our understanding.

Reading is a kind of work that pushes our boundaries to the limit.

Then, what is knowing?

Knowing is to know that we don’t know

In order to know, we should set aside what we already know. If we stick to what we already know, we can never learn something new. When we acknowledge and accept that we are wrong, we can truly learn what we have to learn.

That’s why it’s so important to unlearn what we have been taught whenever we face obstacles. We should find a new way to approach it, not from our hubris, habits, and perceptions.

I might be too small, little, and tiny to change the world, and I am not sure why I have to. I am still confused, and there are tons of things I don’t know, such as:

Why do people believe what they want to believe?

Cosmology, Neuroscience, Quantum Mechanics, Psychoanalysis, and Eastern Philosophy are all trying to figure out who we are and why we are here. Art history is also about how we have perceived the world throughout time.

However, we often dismiss who wrote the history.

Storytelling is our unique talent, though (as Yuval Harari said), we forget who is making the story too often. I am not sure what if my doctor said I had three hours to live, what would I do with myself?

Read the last chapter of the book I am reading? or

Complete the last line of my own book? or

Just pause and feel the imperfect world? or

Hold the hand of my loved one?

I don’t know yet.

Just one thing I can say is that

as an explorer’s imperative is to keep going, we, as humans, should keep going towards the unknowable, unnamable, and our ignorance.

I’d like to share my trials and errors with you in this space.