How not to be a prisoner of perception

A few days ago, I joined my husbands’ company dinner as a guest. Because we knew each other very well, naturally, I was invited as one of the members.

However, at some points during our talk, I found myself pushing them into a corner. I told them I believe that to survive in this competitive market we should all be marketers.

As I was a marketer myself, I really wanted them to know how to make this possible. I couldn’t stop instructing, blaming and even shaming because, to me, they seemed lacking in employable skills.

After the gathering, I reflected on our interactions. I was shocked with myself and shuddered with the shame brought by my actions.

Why did I do that? I was doing what I hated the most.

It was a shameful chapter during a routine company dinner which should have been a cause for celebration. I pondered and reflected on that for quite a long time.

Eventually, I realized that I was already angry with them before going to dinner. Because my perception was that they were not doing well.

I was a prisoner of the perception which left me unable to hear, see and notice others around me.

I love perception.

It’s kind of a highway where information can be processed and executed promptly. Perception is a very easy and convenient way to connect what we know to what we experience. It prevents the wasting of time and energy from having to think and consider different paths.

However, at that moment, I was blind and deaf because of my crooked sense of perception.

Worst of all, I had failed to deliver what I truly wanted to say. It is useless for them to accept my idea if they do not understand what I am trying to convey to them. It felt like banging my head against a brick wall.

Suddenly, I realized that many kinds of conflicts were from the perception that I am right and you are wrong.

Whether between couples, family, friends, or coworkers. I wanted to dig into this issue, which is a universal problem.

I got to know that different people have different dominant fears.

A socialized person has a fear of rejection, so that’s why they rarely have anything bad to say about anyone. They want to impress everyone, even strangers, and people who they’ll never meet again.

My husband is this type of person. He is kind to everyone — even telemarketers. Once I was so upset with him because, during a very critical time, he was responding to a telemarketer promoting her business. His belief was that we should be nice to the people who do emotional labor. After a long conversation, we ended up arguing and came to the conclusion that we are both so different.

A controlling person fears the loss of control. I think I am in this type. I have a very clear image to get things done. Everything should be done correctly and orderly. And I can’t stand the feeling of being taken advantage of or being controlled. Which is why I struggled with adapting myself to the organization.

Some feel scared of change, so for them, stability is the most critical value. Some seek to do it the right way because they have the dominant fear of criticism. The thing they hate the most is being accused.

Even if our behavior is complex, human motivations and needs are often very simple. They all want to be respected. We all want to be loved.

We are all shouting in our minds, “please look at me, am I adorable? Do I deserve it? Do you still love me? Am I valuable?”

In order to convince them, I tried to be logical but the language to move them is not the logic or even number. I believe we should listen to the language of the heart instead of verbal language.

What needs drive them? What lies under the surface?

When we pay attention to things beneath the surface, we can get to the point. However, it is one thing to know it and another to do it.

The best way to practice it is to shut up and listen.

Now, I am training myself to listen more and talk less. Pausing allows me time and space for the other person to talk. Actually, it is very effective to reduce arguments with my husband about trivial matters.

Every moment, I try to think twice. Is it the truth or is it a result of my perception? If so, where did it come from?

Today, I apologized to the coworkers for my actions and gave them some small gifts. I promised to apologize again in the seminar with more appropriate words and not just in a pub. I believe this remedy is also very effective to reduce the struggles around us. And I also believe that doing so can make us happier and healthier.